McCartney Out There Tour 06.23.15 @JPJ (I Hope You're Having Fun)

How does an artist cover over fifty years of music (!) in one night and make everyone happy? I don't think that's possible, but some of McCartney's remaining contemporaries could learn something from him on how to 'give the people what they want.' (I'm looking at you Bob Dylan!)

Photo by Dana Washington Kiser

I was lucky enough to first see Paul McCartney in concert in 2009, and it remains one my most favorite concert experiences. Tuesday’s show at UVA’s John Paul Jones Arena afforded me the unique opportunity to see McCartney in a much smaller setting. After seeing his appearance on the SNL 40th Anniversary Special in February, I had some minor reservations, wondering if he could still sing the songs I love as well as he did when I saw him six years earlier, but once the date for the show at JPJ Arena was announced, those reservations disappeared with the knowledge that every tour could be Paul’s last tour; so I quickly snapped up a single ticket on the floor of the arena.

I will go ahead and post the set list, courtesy of the wonderfully informative website setlist.fm:

1. Eight Days a Week  

2. Save Us 

3. Got to Get You into My Life 

4. One After 909 

5. Temporary Secretary 

6. Let Me Roll It (w/ "Foxy Lady" snippet) 

7. Paperback Writer 

8. My Valentine 

9. Nineteen Hundred and Eighty-Five 

10. The Long and Winding Road 

11. Maybe I'm Amazed 

12. I've Just Seen a Face 

13. We Can Work It Out 

14. Another Day 

15. Hope for the Future 

16. And I Love Her 

17. Blackbird 

18. Here Today 

19. New 

20. Queenie Eye 

21. Lady Madonna 

22. All Together Now 

23. Lovely Rita 

24. Eleanor Rigby 

25. Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite! 

26. Something 

27. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da 

28. Band on the Run 

29. Back in the U.S.S.R. 

30. Let It Be 

31. Live and Let Die 

32. Hey Jude 

Encore:

33. Another Girl 

34. Hi, Hi, Hi 

35. Can't Buy Me Love 

36. Yesterday 

37. Helter Skelter 

38. Golden Slumbers 

39. Carry That Weight 

40. The End

Okay, first things first, the man just turned seventy-three on Thursday (June 18) and yet he’s still putting on shows that include forty songs and have a running time of about two hours and forty-five minutes!

There were a few moments where the voice sounded very thin and unsure, most notably on the verses of ‘Maybe I’m Amazed’, but for the most part he sounded great, and while the song selections were very similar to the show I saw in 2009, there was enough variation to keep it very entertaining. 

One of the biggest surprises was how well the song ‘Queenie Eye’ from his latest record ‘New’ translates to the stage. Granted, with such a well known back catalog of Beatles and Wings songs, playing any new song is going to irritate some fans, and when “Queenie Eye” began, a lot of fans did head toward the concourse for a bit, but I really enjoyed the energy and the call and response of the chorus. It was a very surprising highlight.

Perhaps the only misstep in the set was the inclusion of “Temporary Secretary”, a song from 1980 that is truly unlike anything else McCartney has ever done. I knew it would be in the set, but I wasn’t looking forward to it, and its placement in between The Beatles’ classic ‘One After 909’ and the Wings’ concert staple ‘Let Me Roll It’ made its appearance even more of a head-scratcher. 

The song I looked forward to the most when I saw a set list from the Australian leg of the tour was "Another Day." It remains my favorite post-Beatles lyric of his career. I can't really explain why, it just has always been my favorite and I never though I'd hear it in concert, so my night was made when he played that. 

As expected, Paul sang “Here Today’ in tribute to John and “Something” in tribute to George. Before “Maybe I’m Amazed” he said ‘I wrote this one for Linda,’ but I was affected by a more understated tribute to his late wife: During “Band On The   Run,” the screen behind the band showed archival film from the 1975 album cover photo shoot. Seeing a young Paul and Linda posing and smiling with their mates really made me very emotional. It hit me in such a way that I found myself almost ignoring what was happening on stage in order to concentrate on the video footage to watch Linda and Paul onscreen together. 

The overwhelming emotion for me during this show was how at ease McCartney is with his storied past and how eager he is to share some new songs. If he wasn't enjoying touring, Paul could've stopped touring in 1966 after Candlestick Park and never ventured back on stage again. But he still tours, because he truly enjoys it. As I heard classics like "Paperback Writer" and "Lovely Rita" ring throughout the arena, I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it have been fantastic if the technology existed in 1964 that would've allowed John, Paul, George and Ringo to hear themselves onstage, and for the screaming fans to hear the songs?" 

Sadly, that simply wasn't possible back then, but seeing McCartney on stage is probably the next best thing.

Extra special thanks to my dear friend and McCartney fanatic Dana for attending this show with me. It was a pleasure as always.

--Barry

06.25.15

Guest Article at Professor Awesome's website

Hi there!

A few weeks ago my friend Vickie asked me if I wanted to write a story/article about Geek Rock.  Vickie has co-authored a book, called "Geek Rock: An Exploration Of Music And Subculture" with Alex DiBlasi. She also writes an occasional article for the Guitars & Geeks section of the Professor Awesome website. I was very happy to contribute something, and I hope to do so again in the future.

So, here's a link to the article, and you should spend some time looking around the whole site. It has lots of cool stuff!:

They Might Be Giants, They Might...ROCK?

Also check out the book "Geek Rock" here.

A new blog post will appear on this website...soon!

Until then...

Movie Review: Interstellar

I believe it was Stanley Kubrick who said n 1968, "If you understand '2001: A Space Odyssey' after seeing it the first time, then we have failed." "Interstellar" is a far more accessible film then it's 46-year-old counterpart, but in my opinion it is the first movie that equals the sheer magnitude of "2001" and I believe it is a film that should be seen more than once to fully appreciate.

I'll be brief because it is a film that needs to be seen rather than read about. Matthew McConaughey, Anne Hathaway and the always wonderful Michael Caine star in this story where the objective is quite literally to "save the human race."

Combining elements of classic movies like "Close Encounters of the Third Kind", "The Abyss" and including several long stretches of scenes that harken back to Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke's "2001: A Space Odyssey", "Interstellar" is nothing less than part quantum physics problem brought to life and part classic Hollywood movie joy ride.

You'd have to be very cynical and jaded not to enjoy this movie, and, if you allow philosophical thought to combine with your entertainment, you'll leave the theater asking yourself questions about the universe and the human race that you probably didn't even consider when the movie began. It's an experience that will stay with me for weeks and one I will see several times while it's in the theater.

So in short, go see this movie on the big screen (or in IMAX on an even bigger screen). Let it envelop you in its reality and enjoy the ride. This is almost a perfect example of how great and thought provoking a Hollywood blockbuster can be.

[Note: I saw the film in standard format, but do plan to see it in IMAX soon.]

--Barry

KISS vs. The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (Or, Careful What You Wish For)

In the summer of 1997, I visited the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland while on a road trip with some very dear friends. Two things I remember vividly about the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame during my visit are the top floor rotunda and the gift shop.

The top floor rotunda has large columns of marble with autograph signatures of every Hall of Fame member etched into the marble. It's a very cool and at times somber memorial when you see autographs of members (Lennon, Joplin and Hendrix for example) who were inducted posthumously. As I looked in the K section at the autographs for members of The Kinks and Gladys Knight I laughed and thought, "KISS doesn't belong here, between these two [groups]!"

The gift shop boasted that it had every official release of every Hall of Fame artist that was available on compact disc. Looking thru the "K" section of the CDs I saw that they had every title that KISS had officially released on compact disc, even though they weren't yet members of the Hall of Fame. Talking to the gift shop employee, we both agreed that KISS would "be in the Hall soon after they became eligible in 1999" (Twenty-five years from the year of their first album).

Well, 1999 came and went with no induction for KISS. Then I thought with their announced "Farewell Tour" (cough cough) in 2000, an invite from The Hall would come in 2001.

It didn't.

After many years, it became a joke. Bands that began their careers long after KISS were getting inducted into the Hall of Fame while KISS (and more importantly, their fans) waited.

Eventually, the snub became a badge of honor. KISS was NEVER going to be inducted into the Hall of Fame and the band and the fans acted as if they didn't care. "F*** YOU Hall of Fame!! We don't need you!!"

Well, this past autumn, for the first time ever, the Hall of Fame allowed Fan Voting, where fans got to choose four artists from a list of ten bands. The Hall of Fame didn't say that the winners would automatically be inducted, but KISS were included on the ballot of nominees, along with Nirvana, Deep Purple, Hall & Oates and Chic, among others. KISS and their "Army" of fans topped the voting, finishing ahead of all others. Since The Hall had opened the door to fans, and the KISS fans had spoken, there was really no way The Powers That Be could ignore the result.

So, in late December, the announcement was made. The announcement that legions of KISS fans truly believed they would never hear: On April 10, KISS were (finally!) going to be inducted into The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

It should have been a joyous moment; a sweet justified victory lap for the band and their fans.

Instead, in the three months since the announcement, members of KISS, past and present, have seemingly been in the press every week, sniping and feuding with one another in a sad display of ego and pettiness.

Bear in mind, I've been a KISS fan for over 36 years, so I have lots of baggage and zero objectivity where this band are concerned. I won't give a rehash of the daggers...I mean quotes flying through the press. If you want to read those, go check out the recent ROLLING STONE cover story. Instead, first here is a brief history (KISSTORY) lesson (Click on the pics to see entire image in a new webpage):

* In the 70s, the name/band KISS meant these four names: Ace Frehley, Peter Criss, Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley. As a young fan at that time, it was impossible to think anyone else would ever be in this band.

* Summer 1980, Criss is fired and replaced by Eric Carr, who takes on The Fox persona and is immediately accepted by fans.

Eric Carr Pictures
* Autumn 1982, Frehley quits weeks before the band is scheduled to go on tour. He's replaced by Vinnie Vincent, who, unbeknownst to fans played all the lead guitar parts on that year's "Creatures of the Night" album, even though Ace's likeness appeared on the album. Vincent is given The Ankh makeup design. The less said about this moment in KISSTORY, the better. (L to R: Eric, Paul, Vinnie and Gene)

* After a very tumultuous two-album tenure, Vincent is fired in 1984 and replaced by guitarist Mark St. John for the "Animalize" album. During the sessions for that record, St. John is diagnosed with a severe form of arthritis, Reiter's Syndrome, which caused severe swelling of his hands and arms. In December of 1984, St. John is replaced on lead guitar by Bruce Kulick.

* After three new members in two years, this lineup of Simmons, Stanley, Carr and Kulick finally provided some stability. KISS had a very successful run of pop hits in the late-80's, culminating in the 1990 single "Forever," the band's first US Top Ten Single since "Beth" in 1976. (That's Bruce top right, and Eric in sunglasses in the pic)

* On November 24, 1991 Eric Carr died after battling cancer for a year. KISS soldiered on, enlisting Eric Singer to be their new drummer for 1992's "Revenge" album. (Singer's the blonde...and Bruce is wearing WAY too much lipstick!)

* The lineup of Simmons, Stanley, Kulick and Singer disbanded when Frehley and Criss joined their former bandmates for the mammoth 1996-97 Reunion Tour. Eventually the original lineup repeated their 70s history, becoming one of the biggest touring acts from 1996-2000, only to have Criss and Frehley be dismissed a second time (in 2001and 2003, respectively). Rather than ending KISS entirely, Gene and Paul brought back Singer and put him in the Catman Makeup, and hired Ace's former guitar technician, Tommy Thayer, to fill Ace's platforms (and wear his makeup).
KISS in 1996: Ace, Paul, Gene and Peter
KISS in 2014: Gene, formerly blonde Eric Singer, Paul and Tommy Thayer

Okay, If you've been paying attention, from 1974-2014, there have been ten official members of KISS. When the Hall of Fame announcement was made, fans and even some band members wondered, "Who would be inducted? Just the original four, all ten members, or some combination thereof?". The Hall of Fame board informed Stanley and Simmons that the honor was only being extended to the original lineup.

As a fan, that didn't surprise me, but it angered me. There's no disputing the game-changing impact that Gene, Paul, Ace and Peter had on fans who later became musicians because of albums like "KISS ALIVE!" and "Rock And Roll Over" (the first KISS album I ever had, the one that shaped my life forever). But, every member of KISS (yes, even Tommy Thayer) has made a contribution to KISS, helping make KISS what it is. True, the sight of two "replacements" in the iconic makeup kinda waters down the brand, but ignoring Eric Carr or Bruce Kulick when deciding who from the band gets enshrined is not only shortsighted, it's disrespectful.

I really wanted to see Gene, Paul, Ace and Peter share the stage one last time, play two or three songs, hug (even if it's insincere) and then I would've been fine with the four of them going their separate ways again. Once Stanley learned that only the original four were being honored and The Hall of Fame didn't want a performance from the 2014 lineup, Paul and Gene decided that n o version of KISS would perform at the ceremony. I agree with the decision and I think it's the correct one. If The Originals aren't gonna play, at least I won't have to see the current lineup limp through an off-key rendition of "Rock And Roll All Nite."

Does KISS deserve to be in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame? Absolutely. If you dispute that, you haven't been paying attention for the last 40 years. Without KISS, there would be no Motley Crüe, no Bon Jovi, heck, even country mega-star Garth Brooks was a card carrying member of the KISS Army in the 1970s! Even if you discounted everything that came after 1979, KISS would still warrant induction based on that five-year span from 1974-79 that saw KISS release fourteen (!) albums. 

I'm not kidding when I say I have a love/hate relationship with this band. Since there will be no performance by Gene, Paul, Ace and Peter,  I won't be getting HBO for the sole reason of seeing the ceremony. As many missteps and screw-ups as this band has had, I can't stay completely mad at them, because in 1996, KISS gave their fans The Reunion Tour of the original lineup, something I NEVER thought I would see. (Backstory: In July 1979, Matt Richards, a very cool teenage neighbor of mine invited me to see KISS on the DYNASTY tour at The Capital Centre. I was five years old. My mom said "No!" and then Peter left the band the next year, so I thought my chance to see The Originals was gone forever.)

This band gave that wish back to me, seventeen years later, when I truly could appreciate it. 

How many times in anyone's life does that happen? How cool is that?

So, I can't stay mad at them, even as they now have become a caricature. Anything worth merit after The Reunion is a bonus in my book, because The Reunion will never be topped. 

Congratulations to Gene, Paul, Ace, Peter, Eric Carr, Vinnie, Mark, Bruce, Eric Singer and Tommy. But, most of all, congrats to The KISS ARMY, because THE FANS are not only the reason KISS' influence is so far-reaching, they are quite literally the reason KISS will be crashing the party on Thursday night. 

In closing, i will add that it's a bit of a letdown to know, for  a band synonymous with fire and bombast, the only explosions we will see from KISS at the  Induction Ceremony will be their acceptance speeches!

I wonder if Gene will make Tommy videotape the evening's proceedings, so Gene can include them on the next KISSOLOGY DVD set? :)

--Longarm, KISS ARMY member since 1977

Got To Choose

My parents made sure I knew I could do almost anything anyone else could do as I was growing up. I love them for that. While I never played organized sports, backyard football games with the neighborhood kids were a staple of the first ten years of my life, and I never felt like I didn’t belong.

I carried that confidence through most of my life and part of that confidence is what led me to believe that I could forge my own way and live completely independently, in a city far from home.

As a friend put it the other day, “Living alone is killing you.” And now my confidence is completely shot.

So, after agonizing for months, and at times seeing no way out, I have decided, for the sake of my health and my sanity, to leave Atlanta and return to Richmond.

I really hate that it has come to this, and at the moment I feel like a complete failure. The last seven months (dating back to when I left my job in July) have cost me so much, and now that this ‘experiment’ is ending, I realize that I haven’t solved anything; the exact same questions that I thought were being answered by moving to Atlanta will have be answered at some point down the road.

For now though, I just want to shake this depression and conquer this leg and stomach pain. It's no lie when I say that every hour is a fight to find something positive to hang on to. I’m not sure where I am going to live, I’m not sure what kind of job I will be able to land, and I am not sure how I will get around Richmond. Like I said in a previous blog entry, Richmond, the city, holds very little for me, but it’s the best option now because that’s where my family is and where some very important friends are.

Even though I feel like a total failure because this didn’t work out at all like I planned, I know that the support of family and friends is what I need now if I ever hope to get out of this spiral.

I want to thank my friends in Atlanta, especially Wendy and her family and Vickie and her boyfriend Travis. They have been nothing but fantastic to me since I had an Atlanta zip code on my picture ID card. They have been very supportive, and I love them for it. (As an aside to my Atlanta friends, if you would like to donate some boxes, I would gladly accept).

I want to thank my mom for coordinating my return with the help of her sister and brother in-law. The next few weeks for me are going to be nomadic and hectic as I try and find somewhere new to call home.

I am devastated that my plan for independence didn’t work out, and it hurts that, at the moment, my feelings toward Atlanta are a bit soured. The Braves’ first Spring Training game is in less than two weeks, but at the moment, I could care less about the baseball season. That may change once the games start to count in April, but right now, I don’t see it. That saddens me deeply.

Things I have learned over the last two months:

1)   I don’t own many solo albums by the members of The Beatles, but the one must own record was not recorded by Lennon or McCartney, that mantle belongs to George Harrison’s ‘All Things Must Pass.’ The three-record set has been on my iPod consistently since Christmas and, some of those songs are as close as I will get to singing songs about religion. Even in the depths of my sadness, the songs on this set have offered solace and at times peace. I've owned the record since the mid-1980s, but it wasn't until recently that it fully resonated with me. If you don’t already own it, you should.

2)   Jackie Gleason as Sherriff Buford T. Justice in ‘Smokey and the Bandit’ and clips of an intoxicated Ace Frehley circa 1979-80 will always make me laugh, no matter how sad I am.

3)   At some point over the last 20 years, Apple Jacks cereal added green circles to the orange ones. Who knew?

I’d like to thank Rob H. for his blog, ‘Robster’s Place.’ His last entry from February 3^rd really hit home. Parts of it could have been written by me I identified with it so much. I tried for two days to formulate a reply on his blog page but never mustered up anything I was happy with, so I want to say here that your writing helped me a great deal and it meant a lot. Thank you for being so honest.

I will be back in Richmond soon, and eventually I hope to not feel like a completely broken (and broke) failure. Once I am feeling a ‘bit more like myself’, I’ll look forward to seeing those of you I haven’t seen in a long time. My immediate future will be spent extricating myself from contracts (my lease, Comcast, Georgia Power and, not to mention my employer) and trying to muster up enough energy to move yet again, for the third time in fifteen months.

I really wish things had turned out differently. This one's going to take a long time to get over.

As always, thank you for reading,

Barry

Ping Pong Balls

Almost two weeks ago now, I posted a blog entry. First, I would like to thank you for the comments, the texts, the emails, the phone calls and care packages that I received in the wake of sharing my pain.

Your show of support meant (and continues to mean) more than you will ever know, or that I will ever be able to fully express.

This is where I'm supposed to tell you I'm all better and the dark thoughts have left my head and I'm happy and healthy.

Oh, how I wish I could. But, even after writing it all down, I'm not past it.

Every day is a fight. Every day it's a struggle to find a glimmer of motivation to get up, start a day, commute to a job that, while I can do it well, I'm not very excited by.

These are some of the questions I wrestle with every hour of every day... questions that I wish I had an answer for:

*If I break my lease, how much money will that cost me, and would it damage my ability to be a renter in the future?

*If I left my job without giving the usual two week's notice, would it mark me as 'not hirable' among staffing agencies?

*If I moved back to Virginia, how would I get from point A to point B?

*If I moved back to Virginia, where would I live?

*If I moved back to Virginia, and am unable to find a job, how do I pay for food etc.?

*Will the pain ever stop?

*If I move back to Virginia, does that mean leaving my job in July, and the last six months mean absolutely nothing? Can I live with that?

*I don't have anyone who depends on me, not a girlfriend, not even a pet...so would anyone really notice if I decided one day to go to sleep and not wake up?

*Has anyone else ever felt like this, where they have absolutely nothing to look forward to in their daily life, be it a workday or a weekend? I feel like I'm emotionally flat-lined, if that makes sense.

Those questions, and others, are bouncing around my head constantly. It's exhausting.

Wednesday last week, I couldn't go to work because my left leg was too swollen to fit in my leg brace. I spent the day with both legs elevated and did a lot of thinking and, if I am honest, crying. On that day, and every day since then, I have come to the internal realization that 'this', whatever 'this' is, isn't working, and I need to change something. Does that change mean leaving Atlanta and coming back to Virginia? I don't know, because, as several questions note above, there are answers I need before I pull the plug on this 'Atlanta Experiment.'

All I really know on a daily basis is that I am unhappy, terribly unhappy and have been unhappy since early December. I guess early December is when the daily barrage of pain started too, so, when you think about it, I have been taking way too much Advil for over a month.

I take Advil to combat the leg pain, then that causes severe stomach pain, so I stop the Advil for a bit...then the keg pain starts back up, so I take more Advil...it's a vicious circle, one that I've been on since I started my job, and Advil, for all the damage that it may do, is the only way I'm able to make it to work. Tylenol and aspirin have never helped with pain for me. If either did, I would try one to save my stomach.

I have faced battles my entire life, and almost every other obstacle I've conquered. This time it feels different, like I've suffered a knockout punch.

After being SO CERTAIN about moving to Atlanta, and having it turn into...this, I'm not certain of anything. I know I need to take a step, but I don't know what that step is, or where I'm stepping toward.

Something needs to change. I'm tired of this fight. I'm tired of sleeping away entire weekends...and I still want the pain to end.


Thank you for reading. The phrase I've heard from friends is "Things will get better..."

God, I sure hope so.

Barry
01.21.13

Deep Dark Truthful Blog

This will not be easy to write, and for some, it may not be easy to read. I owe (finally) writing this entry to my friend Rob H. He has a great blog called “Robster’s Place” and his entry on Saturday January 5 reminded me why I began writing this blog in the first place: To share stories, to share my opinions, but above all to be honest; sometimes brutally so.

If I am honest, I must tell you I tried to write this on January 1^st, then again on January 4, then again on January 6…each time hitting the ‘Delete’ button.

Then I re-read Rob’s latest post again, and figured, if he could share something so personal and scary, then I could too.

Biggest change since I last wrote here in November, at least on the surface, is that I now am employed by another well-known insurance company as a Help Desk Analyst. I am grateful for the job, and it is something that could turn out to be a great thing.

What I’ve learned since I began this job in mid-December is:

1) There is only one Frank Creasy and I will never have another boss as cool as him, period. (I already knew that years ago, but it was driven home to me in stark reality my first week on the new job.)

2) It seems saying ‘You’re Welcome’ when someone says ‘Thank you’ is a dying art. Almost everyone -- and I am not exaggerating when I say EVERYONE -- on this Help Desk responds ‘No problem’ when someone says ‘Thank you.’ I am also not exaggerating when I say that it is driving me crazy to hear ‘No problem’ all day long. This week I started taking calls using someone else’s accesses. (Confidential to my Anthem Help Desk Training Friends: Four weeks in, and most of my accesses to do my job are still hosed or not yet available; makes Anthem and the recently decommissioned Request IT look like a well- oiled machine!) On the phone, I am doing my part to bring back ‘Thank You’ to this Help Desk.

I also learned that, as far as ‘soft skills’ go on the phone (courteous customer service, attention to detail in documentation, and just basically ‘listening’), I can do that in my sleep. And, recently, I almost have.

You see, this job, as grateful as I am for it, has a rather long exhausting commute. For the first three weeks of the job, I worked 8am-5pm, which meant I was up at 5:30am, out the door by 6:40am and commuting to work via train and shuttle bus. Some days I got to work in an hour, other days it was a 90 minute commute. The one thing that won’t change with this commute is the walking. Now, don’t misunderstand, I fully get that any job I have in Atlanta will require walking and commuting. I just didn’t expect to walk into work exhausted. The evening commute has run about 70-90 minutes each day, and now that I have moved to my normal shift of 9am-6pm, I sometimes don’t get home until 7:30, again exhausted. Trust me, the last thing I feel like doing on those nights is cooking a meal so I can take a lunch. Several nights this week, I have gotten home, collapsed in a chair, taken off my braces, fixed a peanut butter sandwich, eaten that sandwich and then gone right to bed, calling It a night without turning on the television, and before 8pm.

Something is happening this week that has caused scar tissue I have on my legs, stomach and chest (and all of that scar tissue is at least 15 years old, some of it 34 years old) to turn a bright red and become very painful to the touch. It’s like the scar tissue is fresh, making each step, each knee bend excruciating and almost painful enough to make me cry. So I already know that I am taking too much Advil, and come mid-afternoon, I am tired and, at least I feel like I am on auto-pilot. It’s not fun, and I know it’s not healthy long term.

But, like Arlo Guthrie said, ‘That’s not what I came to tell you about.’

When I went back to Richmond for Thanksgiving, I already knew that I wasn’t going to be able to afford a return trip for Christmas. That reality, even though I had about a month to prepare for it, hit me like a truck. In mid-December, I deactivated my Facebook account just because it hurt to see all of the happy holiday photos and stories, when I knew that I was going to be spending Christmas Day far away from family. That day was very rough. I was despondent, crying at the drop of a hat, doing my best to sleep the entire day, just to get past it. That week, I went to work, gave the stock answer of ‘Fine’ when asked how my holiday was, and then every night that week, I went to bed as soon as I got home and I slept through the entire weekend.

I began to feel like I had hit a downward spiral. Doing the math with the anticipated paycheck, I realized I would never make enough at this job to pay all of my debts and eat. I also was in a lot of pain (I still am). And I just wanted to stop the pain. I wanted it all to end. I didn’t care about football. The Redskins made the playoffs, but on the night of their big playoff-clinching game against their rival the Dallas Cowboys, I was in bed before the 3^rd quarter was over, and, it will surprise those who know me, I truly didn’t give a damn about the outcome. I (still) don’t see any joy in the next baseball season, mainly because I know I won’t be able to afford tickets, and what’s the point of being in Atlanta when you can’t go to the game?

Rational thought was gone. I just wanted the pain to stop, and I guess it all came to a head on New Year’s Eve.

That night, I was very suicidal.

I got home and I had a full bottle (160 caplets) of Advil and a full bottle (30 pills) of over-the-counter sleeping pills. I figured I would very methodically take the pills with a soda and then sleep.

I fought those urges for hours. I cried. I intentionally turned off my phone; I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I was in my bedroom holding the bottle of Advil, trying to find a way out. I know I took about 12 Advil, and then I stopped, turned off the lamp on my night table and slept. I am not sure why I stopped. The bottle of sleeping pills is still in my room, and it’s still unopened.

The pain hasn’t stopped, and I have felt an overwhelming sense of sadness that I haven’t been able to shake. I’ve thought about breaking my lease and coming back to Richmond to live (in fact my mom had an ‘escape plan’ that she called me with on New Year’s Day. Obviously, she knew I was in trouble but she did not know how dark things had gotten for me the night before), but I don’t want to go from being depressed and broke in Atlanta to being depressed and broke in Richmond.

Again, I have to be honest, there are still days where I wonder ‘What’s the point?’ and I think about opening that bottle of sleeping pills. I’m in the city where (I thought?) I wanted to live, I finally have a job, and yet I am terribly unhappy all the time, and it feels like I’ll never be happy here, in this city that I used to love so much.

I am hopeful that things will get easier, that my legs will stop hurting. I have no doubt I can do my job well, if my body doesn’t give out completely. I feel like I am on a see-saw and things could go either way…up or down. In many ways I am a different person than I was a year ago. Case in point: Lady GaGa, Pink and Taylor [Swift, for the three people who may read this and not know who I’m talking about] all have shows set for this spring in Atlanta, and I don’t have tickets to any of them. While I am somewhat bummed about not having Taylor tickets, I am not that broken up about it. In fact the first show I’ve heard about that got me somewhat excited is Leonard Cohen at the Fox Theatre in March. Hopefully tickets aren’t too expensive and I can afford one.

Why am I writing this? Because I thought maybe if I wrote this all down, it would help me to ‘get past’ it. I’ve shared parts of the past few weeks with a few friends, so I must thank Mimi, Beth and Shannon for listening to me when I was at my lowest (and when I probably came off sounding like a bore). And special thanks to Wendy D., who got me out of the apartment a few times recently when I needed it (though I didn’t ever let on how depressed I felt).

I know I am not out of ‘the emotional woods’ yet, especially if my knees hurt like crazy when the alarm sounds tomorrow. I’ll do what I can to cope with the pain.

I just hope that at some point, life becomes more than just ‘coping.’

Thanks for reading,

Barry

[Bonus points if you know what is referenced in the title of this entry]