Almost two weeks ago now, I posted a blog entry. First, I would like to thank you for the comments, the texts, the emails, the phone calls and care packages that I received in the wake of sharing my pain.
Your show of support meant (and continues to mean) more than you will ever know, or that I will ever be able to fully express.
This is where I'm supposed to tell you I'm all better and the dark thoughts have left my head and I'm happy and healthy.
Oh, how I wish I could. But, even after writing it all down, I'm not past it.
Every day is a fight. Every day it's a struggle to find a glimmer of motivation to get up, start a day, commute to a job that, while I can do it well, I'm not very excited by.
These are some of the questions I wrestle with every hour of every day... questions that I wish I had an answer for:
*If I break my lease, how much money will that cost me, and would it damage my ability to be a renter in the future?
*If I left my job without giving the usual two week's notice, would it mark me as 'not hirable' among staffing agencies?
*If I moved back to Virginia, how would I get from point A to point B?
*If I moved back to Virginia, where would I live?
*If I moved back to Virginia, and am unable to find a job, how do I pay for food etc.?
*Will the pain ever stop?
*If I move back to Virginia, does that mean leaving my job in July, and the last six months mean absolutely nothing? Can I live with that?
*I don't have anyone who depends on me, not a girlfriend, not even a pet...so would anyone really notice if I decided one day to go to sleep and not wake up?
*Has anyone else ever felt like this, where they have absolutely nothing to look forward to in their daily life, be it a workday or a weekend? I feel like I'm emotionally flat-lined, if that makes sense.
Those questions, and others, are bouncing around my head constantly. It's exhausting.
Wednesday last week, I couldn't go to work because my left leg was too swollen to fit in my leg brace. I spent the day with both legs elevated and did a lot of thinking and, if I am honest, crying. On that day, and every day since then, I have come to the internal realization that 'this', whatever 'this' is, isn't working, and I need to change something. Does that change mean leaving Atlanta and coming back to Virginia? I don't know, because, as several questions note above, there are answers I need before I pull the plug on this 'Atlanta Experiment.'
All I really know on a daily basis is that I am unhappy, terribly unhappy and have been unhappy since early December. I guess early December is when the daily barrage of pain started too, so, when you think about it, I have been taking way too much Advil for over a month.
I take Advil to combat the leg pain, then that causes severe stomach pain, so I stop the Advil for a bit...then the keg pain starts back up, so I take more Advil...it's a vicious circle, one that I've been on since I started my job, and Advil, for all the damage that it may do, is the only way I'm able to make it to work. Tylenol and aspirin have never helped with pain for me. If either did, I would try one to save my stomach.
I have faced battles my entire life, and almost every other obstacle I've conquered. This time it feels different, like I've suffered a knockout punch.
After being SO CERTAIN about moving to Atlanta, and having it turn into...this, I'm not certain of anything. I know I need to take a step, but I don't know what that step is, or where I'm stepping toward.
Something needs to change. I'm tired of this fight. I'm tired of sleeping away entire weekends...and I still want the pain to end.
Thank you for reading. The phrase I've heard from friends is "Things will get better..."
God, I sure hope so.
Barry
01.21.13
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I can't answer most of your questions, but I can answer this one...
ReplyDelete"I don't have anyone who depends on me, not a girlfriend, not even a pet...so would anyone really notice if I decided one day to go to sleep and not wake up?"
Yes. Yes, they would. At my darkest moments, that's what's kept me going. Because whether you know it or not, your family and friends "depend" on you to just be within reach. You're part of the fabric of their lives, and the hole you left if you weren't there would be noticeable (and painful).
As to the rest... whether you plan to commit to Atlanta or Richmond, once you do, find a doctor you can trust and a hobby to take your mind off everything else (that's the role improv plays in my life)... and the frustrating part is that you don't always know what you're moving toward. Sometimes, you just keep moving until the path appears... :)
I'm not sure what kind of doctor you're currently seeing, if any, but I'm thinking you really could use a prescription for that pain that would be more effective and not so hard on your stomach. Don't know if you've ever been treated for depression, either, but you may want to consider seeking treatment if not. Cymbalta comes to mind, which actually treats both depression and certain kinds of pain, although I have no idea whether you'd be a candidate for that... just throwing out some ideas.
ReplyDeleteWondering if you got these things under better control, if Atlanta wouldn't seem as dark as it does now. Or maybe you've already made up your mind, with certainty, that it's just not the place for you. Either way, don't look at your time there as meaning nothing. I'm sure it's given you a new perspective on a lot of things.
Keep plugging away, and keep searching for answers. They're out there.
I did not write last week because I was not sure what to say so I spoke to Dale. She suggested I tell you how I feel so here it goes. I have never known someone like you. Growing up I wanted to be carefree like you. I mean with all the pain and challanges you have been through you were always ready for what was next weather it be a party, concert, or travling to god knows where. Growing up with anxity I still do not have half the guts you do and yes you do not have a girlfriend ( I am not sure why you would be an awesome catch)or pet but you do have a huge family who cares and loves you. Also the job thing you should write. Your blog is great. I should tell you the fucked up things in my mind and you can write a book. You could be the next Stephen King.
ReplyDeleteSo know that you are wanted and we do care. also as for the kids thing. I have four who I could let you borrow.
Christina TOLLEY