Wishing

I hate when I feel like this. No, wait...let me start again. I wish I didn't feel like this. It's a combination of things I know, that has me in this mood, and I swore I wasn't gonna write about it. Then tonite I said I would just write it in longhand and condemn it to a drawer in my room. But then, something told me I had to write this down so that it would be read by someone else besides myself.

I really wasn't going to write about this.

I find myself thinking about 'her' these days. And I really hate myself for that. I thought, no, I knew I was past this, over her, and done with all that 'we' were, and all that 'we' weren't.

Now, don't think for a second that this is really about 'her,' it's not. It's all about me, my head, my heart and...why can't I get past this??

Part of it is because my job currently has become a true, real challenge. Some days are better than others. Some days are far too long, and almost all days leave me drained and exhausted. I like my job, love the people I work with and most days, I feel that at least something was accomplished. It's just, when I come home after a ten hour work day, I wish I was coming home to someone who was mine. Someone who was my partner to lean on and  celebrate with.

Now, I don't live alone, and I love my mom like no one else, but I'm feeling very single at the moment. Ninety-eight percent of the time, I love being single, and I am fine with that 'relationship status'. But lately...I am yearning for that other piece of the puzzle.

Now, don't think that this means I want 'The Girl' that currently crosses my mind more than I will ever admit to you in public. I don't. In fact, if she showed up on my doorstep tomorrow and said she was 'willing to give this thing a try', I wouldn't be interested. I waited long enough, too long really, and she never ever really wanted to go that route. After years -- and I mean years -- of waiting for her to come to her senses, I'm done hoping that will ever happen.

What sent me into this mood?

She forgot my birthday.

Now, let me say that on my birthday, I had no less than 60 messages on Facebook from friends wishing me a Happy Birthday and, those were amazing. You, my friends, are amazing and you made my day great and made me smile. In fact, when midnite passed and it was 12:01am and no longer my birthday, I told myself it was no big deal and no surprise that she forgot. And it wasn't really. She's done it before.

It just stung. Really really stung.

She has said in the past that she wants to be friends. And I think that's part of the reason for my current mood. Even though part of me, even at my angriest, darkest times, will always love her, I know now for certain that I can't be just friends with her. Every time I see her, those unrequited feelings will bubble up to the surface, and I will manage to ruin an otherwise nice visit with a cutting, sarcastic but true remark, doing a half hearted attempt to mask my pain with humor.

In my most self confident moments, the song that sums up my current feelings about her is Elvis Costello's 'I Hope Your Happy Now.' If you don't know it, find it and listen to the words. They all ring true, and sometimes they ring too close to home.

Tonight though, the song that replays on my ipod and in my head is 'Wishing' by Sugarland.

'I've done everything I can to forget / If there is a way I ain't found it yet / I keep tellin' myself I'm movin' on / But I'm stumblin' / Believing my heart was strong enough / But now I'm wonderin' / Wishing I didn't love you anymore.'

But I do.

Thanks for indulging. Here's to tomorrow.

--Barry
09.29.10